Falling for Fall

My heart belongs to Autumn. Always has, always will. It began when I was little. Summer in NY was lovely, but I always held my breath for Fall. I loved watching the leaves change. I loved being able to hear them crunch under my tires as I wound up the little back road to my cute, little house. My heart would smile a little inside the first time we would go to Holy Cow and need a jacket to eat our ice cream. That was the indication that it was time to put away the summer clothes and haul out the winter gear. I loved opening my box of sweaters and scarves and remembering where I got them, and then thinking about when I would get to wear them again. I loved watching my dad make leaf piles and light the wood stove for the first time. I loved soccer games with a backdrop of foliage painted red, yellow, and orange.

I promised myself I would not do this. Long for fall, that is. I am here. This is now, It is is not fall. No matter how hard I close my eyes and click my heels together and wish that it was fall, it’s not. I told myself that even when I saw apple picking pictures on facebook and heard my mom rave about the crisp, fall weather that I would not fall for it. I do not have the emotional willpower to long for fall in the middle of 85 degree weather.

Yet here I am. Falling for Fall. Wishing that I were wrapped up in his arms, smothered with apple kisses. My heart longs for his chill, that short little reminder to be close to the one you love in case you get cold. Fall should be putting on his coat to greet me, the one with the tree that turns red on one side and yellow on the other. (That’s my favorite jacket and he knows it) But he’s not. I am heartbroken. I feel abandoned by Fall and all that we could have been. Fall has this way of tugging on the door of my heart around this time every year. Usually I am there, arms wide open and ready to invite him in. This year, I am not there. He is standing on the threshold of the seasons waiting patiently for me to open the door, even just a crack, so his leaves might get inside. But I am here. And this is now. And it’s not Fall. Come back soon! I yell out my window in hopes that he might try again soon. Come back soon and then I can let you in!

You see, I am hosting Summer still. Summer clings to me, and he laughs at me. Summer teases me with days that remind me of Fall, but are not him. I don’t mind Summer, but I need Fall.

Darn it.
I let myself get away from myself.
I have been clinging to a quote from Jim Elliot that I am sure he meant for a much more spiritual application, but he says, “Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living.” That is why I am not supposed to let myself long too much for Fall, because then I forget to enjoy what is right in front of me…..life.

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